just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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