I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
