i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I just forgot I was standing up.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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