I was born with a shot glass in my hand
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
