May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
