my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
