you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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