apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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