the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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