You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
