Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
