a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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