Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
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