My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
