I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
