found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
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