remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?