i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
