I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
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sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
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It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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