I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks