I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
