I'm so fucking centered right now
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Randomize
