Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
You're like the curious george of whores
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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