just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
