totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
