I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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