okay pat passed out under dana's car
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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