my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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