I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
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So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
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I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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