Sober January is a disaster.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
