I'm going to jail i love you
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
