Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
