you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
