I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize
