you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
