We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
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you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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