it wasn't lemon gatorade
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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