Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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