I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
