is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
