My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
