you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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