I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
