I accidentally had phone sex last night
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
