I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
