i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
They took my balls.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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