Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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