We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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