the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
