I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
