I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
