I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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