FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
