Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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