I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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