I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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