so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
