i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
