I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
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That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
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I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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