I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Also, beer. Big fan.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Can you repeat that, but with context?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
