The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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